Memories of Us

My Most Hated Responsibility

Surprisingly, it's not changing diapers.

I hate feeding my family.  I hate shopping for the food, which either happens with both kids in tow or at 8 o'clock at night once daddy is home and the boys are asleep.  I hate trying to plan a menu.  I hate trying to time meal preparation around Will's early bed time and Jamie's late nights at work.  I hate that I don't EVER make our food spicy enough to eliminate the need for Jamie to dress is up after I serve him (at this point he keeps a jar of cajun seasoning ready and waiting by his seat at the table).  I hate that Will eats perhaps two bites, if I'm lucky, before dumping his plate over and flinging food onto the floor.  I hate having a messy kitchen when I'm done (even though Jamie frequently does the dishes, which I appreciate - though he never wipes the counter, which drives me crazy).  And I hate that I am rarely hungry and don't even actually ENJOY eating thanks to a lifetime of dieting and feeling overweight.  Which means that aside from the satisfaction of keeping my family ALIVE, I don't really GET anything out of the whole cooking deal.  So, in short, feeding my family is my most hated responsibility.

Honestly, I remember that I need to make dinner usually at about 5 o'clock each evening which is too late to start cooking the more involved things that I have planned.  And the guilt starts to set in that once again, I will be throwing something together at the last minute.  And then, as is becoming the norm, Jamie will call at 5:30 or so (at the time when I'm starting to get anxious for his homecoming because I've been alone all day with the boys) to tell me that he's still at work and running late.  Which is disappointing for obvious reasons, but also makes me grateful that I didn't put in the work on a meal that would be cold by the time he ate it, and reinforces my bad cooking practices because seriously, why even bother.  And then I just feed Will WHATEVER because I know he won't eat it anyway.  Which makes me feel like a bad mother.  So essentially feeding my family is freaking hard and rarely leaves me feeling like anything but a bad wife and mother.  I'm becoming resolved to the fact that I can't win.

Today in my email I got a thing from the What to Expect When You're Expecting website from when I was pregnant with Will and signed up for emails like every other uber excited first timer.  And now I'm too lazy to un-subscribe.  Anyway, so the title was The Miracle Toddler Diet.  I was hopeful, when I clicked on the link, that maybe it would tell me what to feed my child to make him EAT, but instead it was a link to a blogger talking about how her toddler eats, well, EXACTLY like Will.  Though not really because I don't let him eat candy or dog food.  And while it's not clean per se (thanks to Will's EXTREME fear of vacuum cleaners) I don't have old food laying around the house.  And I don't even own lipstick.  So I guess I can feel somewhat superior in that, when Will eats, he eats actual food.  But in the end, I relate completely to this blogger because Will DOESN'T eat and like me, she seems to have just embraced that.  I'm SO over making him nice meals only to clean them up off the floor.  There are days when I marvel that the boy is still ALIVE, much less running around my house like a little maniac.  He is getting rather trim though.

Really, the only one NOT getting trim in this house is THIS guy.

He was 18 lbs 12 oz at his 4 month well-visit.  Just about double his birth weight.  I don't remember when Will hit 19 lbs, but it CERTAINLY wasn't at 4 months.  Sheesh.  I can't remember exactly, but I think Jake measured 24 inches.  He's a thick little guy, but in general he's just BIG.  Sometimes I have to remind myself how young he is.  He's rolling over like a champ these days, but his size makes me feel like he should be sitting up and crawling already.  I'm going to have to remind myself continually not to expect too much of him too soon.  Though I don't doubt that he'll be chasing Will around the house before I know it.  I'm pretty excited for those days, to be honest.  In part because carrying that heavy little guy around is hard, but mostly because it will be so awesome for Will to have a playmate who isn't a thirty year old woman.  What great friends they will be.

Friday Quick Takes

1.  I don't like driving in New Jersey for two reasons.  First, the drivers here are mean and aggressive.  In the South, people are bad drivers because they are so busy trying to be courteous that they ignore right-of-way and all rules of the road.  That is annoying.  But up here, they are way too busy trying to get ahead to be NICE and would rather run you onto the shoulder of the road than move over into AN EMPTY LANE to let you on the turnpike.  And that is INFURIATING.  Second, some idiotic engineer decided that left turns are inefficient and thus made them illegal on most major roads.  So, you can literally SEE the store you want to go to, but if it's on the left side of the road, tough luck.  You have to find a place to do a U-turn using these stupid "jug handle" off-shoots that drop you out on a cross road.  Which means that instead of one left turn, I have to do a right turn and then TWO left turns (and wait for a traffic light!) before I can finally turn RIGHT into my destination.  It is so easy to get turned around!  Even my husband, who was a navigator on an airplane earlier in his career and has an amazing sense of direction, can get messed up with all the crazy turns and loops.  It's so dumb!

2.  We are all unpacked in our new home (now that we've been here a month and half!) except not a single thing is hung up on the wall.  Thus it does not feel like home.  I hate that.  But apparently not enough to do it myself.  Once upon a time, I would just grab a hammer and some nails and go to work.  But now I have a husband.  While it may be sexist and antiquated, I just feel like that's Jamie's job.  Especially when it comes to heavy stuff that requires drilling into studs.  Jamie really doesn't have that many jobs around here.  Essentially, if it requires a trip to a home improvement store, the use of a power tool, the lawn mower, or the grill, it is Jamie's job.  Of course, I am capable and assume those responsibilities when he's gone (except the grill, I don't even know how to turn it on) but when he's home, they are his domain.  He gets home in a few hours.  Thus I expect to have wall decor by the end of the weekend.

3.  I obviously had to switch to a new OB practice when we moved.  I miss my old doctor.  I miss the familiarity of my old practice.  I liked the way they did things there better than the way they do things here.  Perhaps that's because I KNEW what to expect there and because I had a wonderful experience with them throughout my first pregnancy and delivery.  I saw the same doctor for all my appointments throughout my pregnancy with Will.  While she didn't end up delivering me, I think I still prefered that way.  This practice has me seeing all five of the doctors.  While it means I won't have a stranger delivering me, it also means that I don't feel like any one of them is personally invested in me.  Plus, 4 of the doctors are men.  I'm not 100% comfortable with that yet.  I just really miss Charleston sometimes.

4.  I have 2.5 weeks until my due date.  I could be having this baby any day now!  I talked to Jamie about it the other day and it kind of surprised me when he said that he doesn't like to think about it.  That it scares him.  Not the baby part, the labor part.  Perhaps he just didn't tell me, but I don't believe he was as nervous when I was pregnant with Will.  I think watching me give birth to Will was an awakening for him.  It's ironic that having gone through it before and KNOWING what to expect makes me less scared this time but makes Jamie more scared.  I probably should have picked up on his feelings a while ago.  Looking back I remember one evening remarking to him about how big I was getting and he just staring at my belly and shaking his head.  When I asked him what he was thinking, instead of the sarcastic "chubby" remark I had expected, he said "It's just so dangerous."  I'll admit, growing a baby is dangerous work.  I've had those awful "what if" thoughts and wondered if my boys would be okay without me.  But the odds are in our favor and we've done everything possible to ensure that both baby and I are okay.  I don't want him to be scared.  It does make me feel very loved, however.

5.  Will loves trucks.  Actually, he loves all things with wheels on them, but especially trucks.  It really must be hardwired in the man-brain.  There is no other explanation for it.  I certainly didn't PUSH trucks on him.  I didn't even buy him a toy truck until we went to the neighbor's house when he was about 8 months old and he saw one and knew exactly how to play with it.  I was so surprised!  Anyway, we were staying at my parents' house for a majority of the time that Jamie was gone and Will has few toys there.  So, we went out to the toy store one day to kill some time.  We found a new truck.  He had SUCH fun pushing it up and down the store aisles and had a meltdown when I had to put him back in his stroller to pay and leave.  Anyway, this is how he looked all the way home. He held onto his new truck like his little life depended on it.  So adorable. 

6.  I've dug out all of Will's baby stuff and he is fascinated.  I wonder sometimes if he remembers things or if he's just enjoying them the way little boys do.  For instance, I caught him climbing in the infant car seat yesterday.

7.  We decided on a name.  Finally.

In Which I Ramble On About SAHM-hood

I was productive today!  I had a list of things to do and I felt great satisfaction in checking them off one by one.  I don't have many of those kinds of days anymore.  Becoming a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) was actually a bit more of an adjustment than I anticipated.  It's a harder job than it seems from the outside looking in.  I'm not sure anyone can appreciate just how hard it really is until becoming a stay at home parent.  I am grateful to be doing what I'm doing.  Please don't get me wrong in that.  But it's not what I imagined. 

I know that part of the challenge is simply motherhood in general, and is universal to mothers working outside the home as well those who work within.  And I appreciate that working outside the home and entrusting your child to the care of someone else brings with it a whole different set of struggles.  But man, staying home is HARD.  Adult interaction is notably lacking most days.  And doing the same thing 24 hours a day is exhausting.  In some ways I think it would be nice to have a regular job again, just to do something different, to get a break from baby world, to use my brain a little more, to finish things ( to have tasks that CAN be finished), to be recognized for my accomplishments and abilities.  The work I'm doing is SO important.  I know that.  I'm shaping a person.  I'm teaching him how to communicate.  I'm nurturing his baby intellect.  I'm being his friend.  I'm providing for his needs.  I'm loving him.  But there is no checklist for those things.  They are never finished.  

I just want to tell everyone that I vacuumed today.  I want credit for that.  I vacuumed today with my 20 lb son on my hip because he would not be put down.  My arms are tired, but my carpets are clean.  For the moment.  You'd think, staying home as I do, that my house would be immaculate.  But I'll be honest.  There are some days that Will is so difficult, so time consuming, that the only cleaning I have time to do is making my bed.  And on days like those, if my bed is made, I consider myself freaking AWESOME.  I find cleaning frustrating.  It is never finished.  I clean the floors, and they are dirty 10 minutes later.  I clean the sliding glass door and turn around to find that Charlie has already left a fresh nose print.  I finally get the sink empty of dishes and the very next second I have to make a bottle.  I do laundry knowing that I am, right that second, wearing clothes that will be in the hamper later that day.  And don't get me started on dusting.  I hate that one most of all.  So perhaps I can check off having cleaned.  But in all honesty, that job is never done.  The house is never CLEAN.  SO annoying.

The adjustment to my staying home has been difficult for my husband as well.  And when I say that, what I really mean is that I have been difficult for him.  I need more and different things from him now.  I need him to recognize my efforts and my accomplishments, since his is the only recognition I get.  No peers.  No boss.  If I get praise, he's the one that has to give it.  He's always been wonderful at telling me how smart and beautiful he thinks I am.  He makes me feel loved in spades.  But telling me that I'm doing a good job is not something he had to do before.  It's something I need, however.  Something I need desperately.  And for the most part, he's rising to that challenge.

I think even harder than the praise thing though was the understanding, on both our parts, that I need breaks.  The break thing is universal, though, and can be really hard on a marriage whether both parents work or if one stays at home.  However I do think that it's easier to think that a SAHM doesn't need (and for me to think that I don't deserve) a break as much as someone who has been at work all day outside the home.  Also, I think the break thing is perhaps especially challenging for those of us in the military.  When he goes away for a 10-day mission and I have no relief for all that time, it's only natural for me to anticipate a break when he gets home.  And of course, he's anticipating a break after being away and working so hard.  You can't both get what you want.  One person has to wait.  And for a very long time, it was always me.  Jamie isn't completely at fault in that.  I tend to be a martyr.  But then again, he tends to let me.  We're still working on figuring that part of the SAHM thing out.  I'm getting better at asking for (read:demanding) help, and he's getting better at offering (and sometimes even just doing it unbidden, which is when I love him most).

I remember, right after I resigned, going to the doctor and filling out a form that asked about employment.  SAHM wasn't an option.  And I remember sitting there for a minute wondering whether to check "unemployed" or to write in "SAHM".  And then I wondered if I wrote in "SAHM" whether they would just consider me "unemployed but in denial about it".  (I wrote in SAHM by the way.)  If I felt that way about staying home myself in the beginning, how could I really expect my husband to step into this new lifestyle without some adjusting of thoughts and perceptions either.  So, we've really had to cut each other some slack in these first 6 months.  We're still cutting, to be honest.  But it's worth the struggle.  And it's making us stronger as parents and as partners. 

And I know that Jamie hears me and is trying.  Because sometimes, HE makes the bed.