Parenting through this phase in Will's life is SO MUCH HARDER than I ever could have imagined. I used to be so proud of how good-natured and mild mannered he was, deluding myself into believing that the third year of his life wouldn't be THAT bad. But people. It is BAD. It is a battle of wills all day long. I draw a line in the sand and he immediately stomps across it. He doesn't even PRETEND to be at all deterred. I feel like all I ever say to him anymore is "Stop" or "Don't" or "Do you need a TIME OUT?!" The negative energy around here is really starting to drag me down. And perhaps it wouldn't be so awful to walk around feeling like a corrections officer, except it seems to have absolutely NO EFFECT on him. I can't help but feel like a failure. My inner monologue at this point in time sounds like a broken record and goes something like, "Why isn't this working?! I must be doing this wrong." There are few things more humbling than going head to head with a two year old and walking away not sure if you really ACTUALLY won. In fact, the only reason that I EVER even partially win is that I'm big enough to physically REMOVE him from the situation and plop him in time out. And I say "partially win" because the second he's free again, he goes right back to the behavior that got him in time out in the first place. Not a lasting victory by any stretch. The worst part of all this is that Will ends up in time out almost exclusively for bullying his brother. When his brother is napping, Will is almost entirely manageable and nigh downright pleasant. I guess, now that I think about it, Will only started acting out in a way that merited punishment when Jake became mobile. Because when Jake became mobile, Will starting having to SHARE with him and TOLERATE him. This was not to his liking, as he no longer CONTROLLED their interactions. Will, like all toddlers, thinks he's master of the universe. So, I can understand how it must be infuriating to him how uncontrollable Jake is. However, while I can understand the fury, I simply cannot tolerate the bullying. It drives me INSANE. When we decided to space our kids this closely, we had hoped that their nearness in age would translate into being good buddies. I'm still hopeful for that. I guess I'm just realizing that the hectic first months WILL NOT be the hardest part of having them so close in age.
That is not a high-five.
What makes Will's behavior seem even worse is that it's in glaring contrast to the sweetness and easy-going nature of 9 month old Jake. I have to keep reminding myself, sometimes even out loud, that "Jake's time is coming." It is COMPLETELY unfair to Will that I would compare them. Jake will be two someday and will surely drive me just as crazy then as his brother is now. But people, it is SO HARD not to play favorites right now. Not because I love them differently, but because Jake is SO EASY right now and Will is so NOT EASY. Seriously, Jake doesn't get worked up about ANYTHING. Well. That's not true. If you close the refrigerator or dish washer before he has a chance to reach them, he crumples into a ball of dejected tears. He's devastated. I have been known to re-open the refrigerator door. But seriously, even when his brother is being a bully, he just carries on as though it isn't happening. I have wondered, at times, if he might suffer from that disorder where a person doesn't feel pain. Because if someone smacked ME on the head, I think I would REACT. Anyway, the fact that Jake is so innocent in the whole thing makes it harder to take Will's bullying. Although, I have to admit, though perhaps I'm giving him too much credit, I think Jake might be starting to do things to annoy Will. Or perhaps he's just becoming more forceful in doing the things he wants to do, and those things always happen to annoy Will. Or perhaps it's just that EVERYTHING JAKE DOES annoys Will. I don't know. But I get tickled by it sometimes. In a "good for you, buddy" kind of way. I kind of feel a camaraderie with Jake at times. Like we're surviving Will's toddlerhood TOGETHER. You know, like it's war. And I guess it is war, in a way. And while I don't really know what I'm doing and feel like I'm messing up A LOT. I know that I'm going to win. Which I guess is all that matters in the end. I even say that sometimes in the heat of battle. "Will, I'm going to WIN." I don't think it makes any difference to him, but sometimes I need to hear it. And I do win. Even if it's just because I'm bigger.
Because everybody loves a dishwasher.
